i feel the desire to dance... and to be there this year...
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
entering into Colorado for the first time... in this lifetime.
(this is the rough draft... just getting my thoughts down... I want to make it easier to read later on.)
The amazing feeling one gets when first entering into a state you've never been before (at least in this lifetime) is almost indescribeable. The feeling one gets when entering into Colorado.... WOW.
I entered into Colorado via I-76... it brought me across the hilly grasslands of upper Colorado. After exiting I-76... I found myself traveling 14 across some AMAZING Pawnee Grasslands... the vast landscape makes everything else seem ever so small. There were oil rigs out in many of the fields, and there were lots of ranches that I drove past. Some of the houses were very unique and you could tell they were crafted by their owners. There was a fence line that was lined with skulls that made me think of Corey.
I didn't see the Rockies for quite awhile... but right as I was thinking about how I hadn't caught glimpse of them... I looked out into the horizon, and there the beautiful giants were. They truly are unlike any other mountain range I've ever seen. It truly puts things in perspective when you see their sheer mass... makes you realize just how much of a speck you really are on the windshield of life.
There is a BIG hot ticket issue happening in the county that I grew up involving a mega dairy. Well.. I suppose they should be thankful that it is a mega dairy and not a mega sheep stockyard. There was one of these outside of Fort Collins and it smelled HORRIBLE for miles. This was the first time I had seen anything like that, and I'm still shocked by it. I might drive back that way again tomorrow just to get some pictures of it.
Tomorrow, we'll explore Fort Collins (which already reminds me very much of Madison, Wisconsin, another college town) and then we'll go to Gilcrest to visit Beth and her family... after we spend the night there, we'll dip down even farther into Colorado and spend a few days with Corey and her family. It is so exciting being able to explore parts of the country that I've never seen before. To be able to share this all with my son just makes it even more sweet.
The amazing feeling one gets when first entering into a state you've never been before (at least in this lifetime) is almost indescribeable. The feeling one gets when entering into Colorado.... WOW.
I entered into Colorado via I-76... it brought me across the hilly grasslands of upper Colorado. After exiting I-76... I found myself traveling 14 across some AMAZING Pawnee Grasslands... the vast landscape makes everything else seem ever so small. There were oil rigs out in many of the fields, and there were lots of ranches that I drove past. Some of the houses were very unique and you could tell they were crafted by their owners. There was a fence line that was lined with skulls that made me think of Corey.
I didn't see the Rockies for quite awhile... but right as I was thinking about how I hadn't caught glimpse of them... I looked out into the horizon, and there the beautiful giants were. They truly are unlike any other mountain range I've ever seen. It truly puts things in perspective when you see their sheer mass... makes you realize just how much of a speck you really are on the windshield of life.
There is a BIG hot ticket issue happening in the county that I grew up involving a mega dairy. Well.. I suppose they should be thankful that it is a mega dairy and not a mega sheep stockyard. There was one of these outside of Fort Collins and it smelled HORRIBLE for miles. This was the first time I had seen anything like that, and I'm still shocked by it. I might drive back that way again tomorrow just to get some pictures of it.
Tomorrow, we'll explore Fort Collins (which already reminds me very much of Madison, Wisconsin, another college town) and then we'll go to Gilcrest to visit Beth and her family... after we spend the night there, we'll dip down even farther into Colorado and spend a few days with Corey and her family. It is so exciting being able to explore parts of the country that I've never seen before. To be able to share this all with my son just makes it even more sweet.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Dryer Boy
there are a few pictures of me in the dryer when I was little as well... must take after his mom.... :)
Monday, September 22, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Josh
loves every minute of life and knows that the good times wouldn't seem as good if there weren't bad times....
loves me for me....
is confident in who he is...
is loving the hell out of Tom Robbins (I introduced him to his works... Still Life with Woodpecker is our book now... he gets the man as much as I do... which is a GREAT sign)
loves the Grateful Dead as much as I (he was the one who actually introduced me to them)
a bit of an outlaw at heart
definitely can make me smile and laugh like no other
can build a house from start to finish (including all the guts)
is not afraid of hard work
meditates on a regular basis
surfs
an amazing people magnet
is covered in tattoos from his neck on down....
has an AMAZING Josh grin as I call it
has some of the most intense brown eyes I've ever looked into...
to be continued....
loves me for me....
is confident in who he is...
is loving the hell out of Tom Robbins (I introduced him to his works... Still Life with Woodpecker is our book now... he gets the man as much as I do... which is a GREAT sign)
loves the Grateful Dead as much as I (he was the one who actually introduced me to them)
a bit of an outlaw at heart
definitely can make me smile and laugh like no other
can build a house from start to finish (including all the guts)
is not afraid of hard work
meditates on a regular basis
surfs
an amazing people magnet
is covered in tattoos from his neck on down....
has an AMAZING Josh grin as I call it
has some of the most intense brown eyes I've ever looked into...
to be continued....
Thursday, September 4, 2008
the answer of when....
When I paid my rent this month, I also turned in my 30 days notice... turning in my two week resignation at work tomorrow.... and we'll be in California by mid-October at the latest... it doesn't even feel like a questionable move, I've been waiting almost 9 years for this... it feels like I'm going home to spend the rest of my days with the man who I have no doubt that I will love for always.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
when and if....
after a rather deep conversation with my mom, sharing my feelings... and her sharing her feelings ("i can see that you've been searching for a long time... your father and i also came back together after spending time apart.... i pretty much have gathered you're going to end up out there ....if you are happy, i'm happy.")... she started to say when and if you move out there... I stopped her and said... "Mom... you know it isn't a matter of if... it is a matter of when... there isn't any if about it." she looked up at me and smiled. it feels good to have her see what I see... it feels good to know that I'm loved and she supports me following my heart....
Saturday, August 23, 2008
sharing...
my mom has been busy sharing Josh and I's story with a lot of people....it really makes my heart swell to know that she understands that I'm following my heart....
she clearly knows that my compass is pointing west... she said yesterday she was online researching Arcata and Eureka, California....
and it is definitely official... I'm madly in love with him... all over again...
she clearly knows that my compass is pointing west... she said yesterday she was online researching Arcata and Eureka, California....
and it is definitely official... I'm madly in love with him... all over again...
Monday, August 18, 2008
speaking of hearts....
he has A LOT of tattoos.... like full sleeves and on his chest, stomach, back and legs.... on his left wrist, where one would commonly take his pulse... in script lettering it reads... Carrie.
and follow my heart I did....
yesterday morning, the phone rang and it was him. He wanted to know if I wanted to come out to his parents' house to do some catching up... I ended up spending the entire day with him and his family... so much has changed, but the part that hasn't changed is our underlaying feelings for one another... the connection was never lost between the two of us... I'm getting all teary eyed just even writing about it... I loved him then and I love him now... and the feeling was definitely mutual coming from him.... just wow. however, he's only in the area temporarily... but I feel as if this connection is only bound to grow stronger in the short time that he's going to be here (two weeks, give or take).... California is his home now, and I understand that completely... we'll see what happens... only time can tell...
Sunday, August 17, 2008
my mind is reeling....
so I have a tendency to remain in contact with a lot of my ex-boyfriends... there are quite a few of them that still mean a lot to me.... I even talk to a couple of them on a regular basis.... my mom and I were talking the other day about this and about the few that haven't contacted me in YEARS.... one of these is my first real boyfriend, my first real love... he and I were really serious when I was 17-19 years old.... the last time I had heard, he was out in California....
well.. I got a phone call from my friend yesterday telling me that she had just talked to him and he's back in the area... my heart started racing... she said she told him about me, and what I'd been up to lately and how I had a son....she then proceeded to give me his mom's phone number...
I struggled with my emotions all day... going back and forth with whether or not I should call... maybe I shouldn't have called and left the past in the past.... but finally at about 9:00 last night, I called the number.... his stepdad answered and knew immediately that it was me.... and then he put Josh on the phone.... my heart started racing again, and we had a brief conversation and he said he would call me again today... I don't know for sure whether or not he will call and I'm still struggling with whether or not I want him to call back... I do want to thank him for being a part of my life because he opened up my eyes to some aspects (music, art, etc.) that I hadn't previously even really thought about....
I don't know what is going to happen in the future, I'm treading very lightly because he and I have history and I'm sure quite a bit of baggage as well... I just know that it was very comforting to hear his soft voice again saying my name....
I just needed to type all my feeling up... and get it all out there.....
well.. I got a phone call from my friend yesterday telling me that she had just talked to him and he's back in the area... my heart started racing... she said she told him about me, and what I'd been up to lately and how I had a son....she then proceeded to give me his mom's phone number...
I struggled with my emotions all day... going back and forth with whether or not I should call... maybe I shouldn't have called and left the past in the past.... but finally at about 9:00 last night, I called the number.... his stepdad answered and knew immediately that it was me.... and then he put Josh on the phone.... my heart started racing again, and we had a brief conversation and he said he would call me again today... I don't know for sure whether or not he will call and I'm still struggling with whether or not I want him to call back... I do want to thank him for being a part of my life because he opened up my eyes to some aspects (music, art, etc.) that I hadn't previously even really thought about....
I don't know what is going to happen in the future, I'm treading very lightly because he and I have history and I'm sure quite a bit of baggage as well... I just know that it was very comforting to hear his soft voice again saying my name....
I just needed to type all my feeling up... and get it all out there.....
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Native American Healing Prayer
Mother, sing me a song
That will ease my pain,
Mend broken bones,
Bring wholeness again.
Catch my babies
When they are born,
Sing my death song,
Teach me how to mourn.
Show me the Medicine
Of the healing herbs,
The value of spirit,
The way I can serve.
Mother, heal my heart
So that I can see
The gifts of yours
That can live through me.
That will ease my pain,
Mend broken bones,
Bring wholeness again.
Catch my babies
When they are born,
Sing my death song,
Teach me how to mourn.
Show me the Medicine
Of the healing herbs,
The value of spirit,
The way I can serve.
Mother, heal my heart
So that I can see
The gifts of yours
That can live through me.
Friday, July 11, 2008
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