possibly the worst day of my life....

While at work yesterday, I discovered some blood in my panties. I immediately knew my baby had died. I continued spotting for awhile...and finally decided it was time to go to the hospital for some answers (or at least verification of what I knew to be true already).

I called the baby's father on the way to the hospital, he said he would meet me there as soon as he could.

Checked into the ER...(which was a HORRIBLE experience...I WON'T ever be going back to that specific ER if I can help it)....the doctor came in as I was nursing Porter, said he would come back in about 10 minutes. Came in and asked if I had taken the pregnancy test at that hospital...I said no...he said they would have to draw my blood to check and make sure that I was pregnant. Obviously I knew I was pregnant and spotting or else I wouldn't have even come in there! Anyway...about 20 minutes later of sitting there waiting...a nurse came in and took my blood. Two hours later (in which the baby's father arrived at the hospital)....the doctor came back in and said I was indeed pregnant...arggh....this was a horrible situation that was only getting worse. Then he said I would have to have an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. Waited FOREVER to finally get the ultrasound during which the bleeding picked up a bit...once we got into the ultrasound room and the technician started doing her thing, I knew immediately when she didn't offer to show me the screen (which I'm almost thankful for...I'm almost thankful that I never felt the baby move or saw the baby on the screen) or let me listen to the heartbeat that my baby was no longer alive.... still was not given any concrete answer....finally when back in the ER room after the ultrasound, the doctor came in and gave me a pelvic exam...the bleeding was much more than spotting now...and he really didn't seem optomistic. He left and came back with the ultrasound results...the sac and the fetus were not matching up in terms of development and there was NO fetal heart activity...which means I'm sure that the baby died awhile ago...the doctor basically told me to allow nature to take its course (which I'm thankful that he didn't immediately suggest d&c) and told me to come back in a couple of days for a followup...

i'll never know exactly what went wrong and that's what hurts the most...i was going to love and care for this child like I love and care for Porter...this child was going to be great, despite the not so great situation in which he or she was conceived...

my heart feels so broken right now...as does my body.