entering into Colorado for the first time... in this lifetime.

(this is the rough draft... just getting my thoughts down... I want to make it easier to read later on.)

The amazing feeling one gets when first entering into a state you've never been before (at least in this lifetime) is almost indescribeable. The feeling one gets when entering into Colorado.... WOW.

I entered into Colorado via I-76... it brought me across the hilly grasslands of upper Colorado. After exiting I-76... I found myself traveling 14 across some AMAZING Pawnee Grasslands... the vast landscape makes everything else seem ever so small. There were oil rigs out in many of the fields, and there were lots of ranches that I drove past. Some of the houses were very unique and you could tell they were crafted by their owners. There was a fence line that was lined with skulls that made me think of Corey.

I didn't see the Rockies for quite awhile... but right as I was thinking about how I hadn't caught glimpse of them... I looked out into the horizon, and there the beautiful giants were. They truly are unlike any other mountain range I've ever seen. It truly puts things in perspective when you see their sheer mass... makes you realize just how much of a speck you really are on the windshield of life.

There is a BIG hot ticket issue happening in the county that I grew up involving a mega dairy. Well.. I suppose they should be thankful that it is a mega dairy and not a mega sheep stockyard. There was one of these outside of Fort Collins and it smelled HORRIBLE for miles. This was the first time I had seen anything like that, and I'm still shocked by it. I might drive back that way again tomorrow just to get some pictures of it.

Tomorrow, we'll explore Fort Collins (which already reminds me very much of Madison, Wisconsin, another college town) and then we'll go to Gilcrest to visit Beth and her family... after we spend the night there, we'll dip down even farther into Colorado and spend a few days with Corey and her family. It is so exciting being able to explore parts of the country that I've never seen before. To be able to share this all with my son just makes it even more sweet.

Dryer Boy

 

there are a few pictures of me in the dryer when I was little as well... must take after his mom.... :)

A boy and his Buck

 

Buck and Porter are going to miss each other... A LOT.

we're going on a hike

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bob Marley - Butterfly

rare song ... i love it...

Josh

loves every minute of life and knows that the good times wouldn't seem as good if there weren't bad times....

loves me for me....

is confident in who he is...

is loving the hell out of Tom Robbins (I introduced him to his works... Still Life with Woodpecker is our book now... he gets the man as much as I do... which is a GREAT sign)

loves the Grateful Dead as much as I (he was the one who actually introduced me to them)

a bit of an outlaw at heart

definitely can make me smile and laugh like no other

can build a house from start to finish (including all the guts)

is not afraid of hard work

meditates on a regular basis

surfs

an amazing people magnet

is covered in tattoos from his neck on down....

has an AMAZING Josh grin as I call it

has some of the most intense brown eyes I've ever looked into...

to be continued....

the answer of when....

When I paid my rent this month, I also turned in my 30 days notice... turning in my two week resignation at work tomorrow.... and we'll be in California by mid-October at the latest... it doesn't even feel like a questionable move, I've been waiting almost 9 years for this... it feels like I'm going home to spend the rest of my days with the man who I have no doubt that I will love for always.

the tattoo

it still makes me GRIN big whenever I see it....

when and if....

after a rather deep conversation with my mom, sharing my feelings... and her sharing her feelings ("i can see that you've been searching for a long time... your father and i also came back together after spending time apart.... i pretty much have gathered you're going to end up out there ....if you are happy, i'm happy.")... she started to say when and if you move out there... I stopped her and said... "Mom... you know it isn't a matter of if... it is a matter of when... there isn't any if about it." she looked up at me and smiled. it feels good to have her see what I see... it feels good to know that I'm loved and she supports me following my heart....

sharing...

my mom has been busy sharing Josh and I's story with a lot of people....it really makes my heart swell to know that she understands that I'm following my heart....

she clearly knows that my compass is pointing west... she said yesterday she was online researching Arcata and Eureka, California....

and it is definitely official... I'm madly in love with him... all over again...

speaking of hearts....

he has A LOT of tattoos.... like full sleeves and on his chest, stomach, back and legs.... on his left wrist, where one would commonly take his pulse... in script lettering it reads... Carrie.

and follow my heart I did....

yesterday morning, the phone rang and it was him. He wanted to know if I wanted to come out to his parents' house to do some catching up... I ended up spending the entire day with him and his family... so much has changed, but the part that hasn't changed is our underlaying feelings for one another... the connection was never lost between the two of us... I'm getting all teary eyed just even writing about it... I loved him then and I love him now... and the feeling was definitely mutual coming from him.... just wow. however, he's only in the area temporarily... but I feel as if this connection is only bound to grow stronger in the short time that he's going to be here (two weeks, give or take).... California is his home now, and I understand that completely... we'll see what happens... only time can tell...

my mind is reeling....

so I have a tendency to remain in contact with a lot of my ex-boyfriends... there are quite a few of them that still mean a lot to me.... I even talk to a couple of them on a regular basis.... my mom and I were talking the other day about this and about the few that haven't contacted me in YEARS.... one of these is my first real boyfriend, my first real love... he and I were really serious when I was 17-19 years old.... the last time I had heard, he was out in California....

well.. I got a phone call from my friend yesterday telling me that she had just talked to him and he's back in the area... my heart started racing... she said she told him about me, and what I'd been up to lately and how I had a son....she then proceeded to give me his mom's phone number...

I struggled with my emotions all day... going back and forth with whether or not I should call... maybe I shouldn't have called and left the past in the past.... but finally at about 9:00 last night, I called the number.... his stepdad answered and knew immediately that it was me.... and then he put Josh on the phone.... my heart started racing again, and we had a brief conversation and he said he would call me again today... I don't know for sure whether or not he will call and I'm still struggling with whether or not I want him to call back... I do want to thank him for being a part of my life because he opened up my eyes to some aspects (music, art, etc.) that I hadn't previously even really thought about....

I don't know what is going to happen in the future, I'm treading very lightly because he and I have history and I'm sure quite a bit of baggage as well... I just know that it was very comforting to hear his soft voice again saying my name....

I just needed to type all my feeling up... and get it all out there.....

Native American Healing Prayer

Mother, sing me a song
That will ease my pain,
Mend broken bones,
Bring wholeness again.
Catch my babies
When they are born,
Sing my death song,
Teach me how to mourn.

Show me the Medicine
Of the healing herbs,
The value of spirit,
The way I can serve.

Mother, heal my heart
So that I can see
The gifts of yours
That can live through me.

found this on a forum that I visit regularly....

Join The Resistance: Fall In Love

gone but not forgotten....

just so you know...

even though you are no longer with me here.... you are not forgotten...

our time together was brief... but in that time...i learned so much.... and you continue to teach me from wherever you are...

someday... somehow... our paths will cross again... i'll be able to finally look into your eyes... and see what a special soul you are...

One Better - Les Claypool

loving les lots lately....

happy longest day of the year....

summertime has begun...

my blog is following suit...and letting the sun shine....

Sun Is Shining...

sometimes all you need is a little bob...

possibly the worst day of my life....

While at work yesterday, I discovered some blood in my panties. I immediately knew my baby had died. I continued spotting for awhile...and finally decided it was time to go to the hospital for some answers (or at least verification of what I knew to be true already).

I called the baby's father on the way to the hospital, he said he would meet me there as soon as he could.

Checked into the ER...(which was a HORRIBLE experience...I WON'T ever be going back to that specific ER if I can help it)....the doctor came in as I was nursing Porter, said he would come back in about 10 minutes. Came in and asked if I had taken the pregnancy test at that hospital...I said no...he said they would have to draw my blood to check and make sure that I was pregnant. Obviously I knew I was pregnant and spotting or else I wouldn't have even come in there! Anyway...about 20 minutes later of sitting there waiting...a nurse came in and took my blood. Two hours later (in which the baby's father arrived at the hospital)....the doctor came back in and said I was indeed pregnant...arggh....this was a horrible situation that was only getting worse. Then he said I would have to have an ultrasound and a pelvic exam. Waited FOREVER to finally get the ultrasound during which the bleeding picked up a bit...once we got into the ultrasound room and the technician started doing her thing, I knew immediately when she didn't offer to show me the screen (which I'm almost thankful for...I'm almost thankful that I never felt the baby move or saw the baby on the screen) or let me listen to the heartbeat that my baby was no longer alive.... still was not given any concrete answer....finally when back in the ER room after the ultrasound, the doctor came in and gave me a pelvic exam...the bleeding was much more than spotting now...and he really didn't seem optomistic. He left and came back with the ultrasound results...the sac and the fetus were not matching up in terms of development and there was NO fetal heart activity...which means I'm sure that the baby died awhile ago...the doctor basically told me to allow nature to take its course (which I'm thankful that he didn't immediately suggest d&c) and told me to come back in a couple of days for a followup...

i'll never know exactly what went wrong and that's what hurts the most...i was going to love and care for this child like I love and care for Porter...this child was going to be great, despite the not so great situation in which he or she was conceived...

my heart feels so broken right now...as does my body.

P and his new hat

it even has a feather (though you cannot see it in the pictures)



he thought it was hilarious when i tried on the hat....

looks like an actual "living room"

the new living room furniture....plus a picture of one of the new curtain rods and one of the orange velvet curtain...i'm officially in love with it all...

the bun is in the oven

i think this is week six or seven...maybe...

i took the picture last week...

P's first haircut

simon and garfunkel....

i remember my mom listening to them a lot when i was growing up...she also listened to a lot of the later beatles, the white album and abbey road were and are her two favorites...and we also listened to A LOT of dan fogelberg... my mom used music as her release...she always has... she plays the organ at church every sunday... and is often the organist who gets called upon to play at funerals... she also plays at quite a few weddings as well... it doesn't stop with the music... it continues on with everything she does... she is a librarian, lover of books, an amazing cook and baker and gardener...she can sew, she can knit, she can crochet, she makes all of her own cards...she cans the BEST jelly... and she can play a mean game of scrabble... it seriously doesn't end there though...i've always looked upon her as a woman who can do anything she sets her mind to do...

my mom is an amazing person...i think it took me a child to realize just exactly where my mom was coming from all those years... and to understand her story.

it also makes me realize how much my sister and i have taught her in turn.

it is truly amazing the lessons our own children teach us...and continue to teach us.

Slip sliding away

You know the nearer your destination, the more you slip sliding away...

baby wearing in madison, wisconsin....

Madison, Wisconsin is an awesome city....very open minded and forward thinking....

the Yarn Harlot herself visited Madison yesterday (we were going to try to go...but it just didn't work out)...

checked her blog...and saw...not one, not two...but three pictures of mommas wearing their babies...

just reassured my thoughts once again...that maybe i should really look into living up there... Wisconsin is definitely looking appealing....

Sesame Street - Jazzy Alphabet

some excellent old school sesame street for you all....

Earthquake....

this is wild...there was an earthquake this morning at 4:37 .... I felt my bed shaking and thought at first I was dreaming...then I thought it was my downstairs neighbor getting busy or something... then it stopped... it never even occured to me that it was an earthquake. I guess this sort of thing happens when you live on one of the biggest fault lines in the country.

http://www.qctimes.com/articles/2008/04/18/news/local/doc480876cb80ebd661643637.txt?sPos=2 (I'll fix the link when I get home...for right now, you'll have to copy and paste)

Iron and Wine with Calexico

mmmm....

Rockers Reggae Movie Part 1

I cannot get enough of this film.

wireless

not very tech savvy...but I am officially wireless.

Feels good to have accomplished this feat...just another piece of the puzzle that is slowly coming together....

i love my new computer....

oh...yes...i do....

it allows me to process an amazing image such as this.

moving....

moving is going slowly....

hope to have the internet at home soon....

Blind Faith - Can't Find My Way Home

Wiki Quote of the Day

Wikiquote of the day:

The fear of freedom is strong in us. We call it chaos or anarchy, and
the words are threatening. We live in a true chaos of contradicting
authorities, an age of conformism without community, of proximity
without communication. We could only fear chaos if we imagined that it
was unknown to us, but in fact we know it very well. -- Germaine Greer

Lots more by Germaine Greer

welcome to this world....

Welcome...little Eli James...

You entered earthside at 1:46 a.m. this morning weighing 8 lbs, 8 oz. and measuring 20 3/4 inches.

when I held you in my arms today, and smelled your newborn smell....you transported me back to over a year ago when I was holding your cousin in my arms for the first time. I wonder if this will happen now whenever I hold a new baby. I have a feeling it will and it is a notion that I welcome.

I have a feeling you and your cousin are going to have some interesting times together. The future becomes more and more intriquing with each passing day.

Welcome...Eli...welcome.

Wild Horses

man...Warren, your voice and guitar playing skills...blow me away every time...add to that an equally amazing female singer...wow...I love this version better than all the others I've ever heard....

Wild Horses, the Warren Haynes and Grace Potter version

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Porter, Indiana

Porter, Indiana

I wonder if there is a Carrie, Anywhere.

there is a Cary, Illinois (I actually have friends who are from there, and have been there a couple of times as well)....but it's just not the same.....

the last american man

a very interesting true life account of Eustace Conway. Great book...I highly recommend reading it.

The Last American Man by Elizabeth Gilbert

etsy

i love etsy....

just do...

Etsy

Apple River Canyon State Park

trumpet....

there is a case containing my trumpet tucked away into my storage unit...listening to Jerry Garcia & Merl Saunders Band: Keystone Berkeley, September 1, 1974 made me want to go dig the thing out and start playing again....if you've ever played the trumpet, and I mean REALLY played the trumpet, it is an experience you'll not soon forget...my lips are buzzing just thinking about it....energy...energy....

self portrait

Jill Scott

You're here, I'm pleased
I really dig your company
Your style, your smile, your peace mentality
Lord, have mercy on me
I was blind, now I can see
What a king's supposed to be
Baby I feel free, come on and go with me

Let's take a long walk around the park after dark
Find a spot for us to spark
Conversation, verbal elation, stimulation
Share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations
Elevations, maybe we can talk about Surah 31:18

Your background it ain't squeaky clean shit
Sometimes we all got to swim upstream
You ain't no saint, we all are sinners
But you put your good foot down and make your soul a winner
I respect that, man you're so phat
And you're all that, plus supreme
Then you're humble man I'm numb
Yo with feeling, I can feel everything that you bring

Let's take a long walk around the park after dark
Find a spot for us to spark
Conversation, verbal elation, stimulation
Share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations
Elevations, maybe we can talk about Revelation 3:17

Or maybe we can see a movie
Or maybe we can see a play on Saturday (Saturday)
Or maybe we can roll a tree and feel the breeze and listen to a symphony
Or maybe chill and just be, or maybe
Maybe we can take a cruise and listen to the Roots or maybe eat some passion fruit
Or maybe cry to the blues
Or maybe we could just be silent
Come on, Come on

Let's take a long walk around the park after dark
Find a spot for us to spark
Conversation, verbal elation, stimulation
Share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations
Elevations, maybe we can talk about Psalms in entirety

Or maybe we can see a movie
Or maybe we can see a play on Saturday (Saturday)
Or maybe we can roll a tree and feel the breeze and listen to a symphony
Or maybe chill and just be, or maybe
Maybe we can take a cruise and listen to the Roots or maybe eat some passion fruit
Or maybe cry to the blues
Or maybe we could just be silent
Come on, Come on

Let's take a long walk around the park after dark
Find a spot for us to spark
Conversation, verbal elation, stimulation
Share our situations, temptations, education, relaxations
Elevations, maybe baby, maybe we can save the nation
Come on, Come on

Carol King ~ Child of Mine

this song makes me all teary eyed...

Zero 7 - In The Waiting Line

do YOU believe in what you SEE?

LIVE DEAD

oh...how i love the internet and all the resources it places in my hands...

Grateful Dead Radio.net

Iron and Wine - Such Great Heights

i love the simplicity of the music this band creates....

Happy Apple Back On Top CD release at the AQ

yes, oh, yes...

Frothing at the mug

Found a FrothLatte during the regular Wednesday trek to the thrift store. Paid maybe a quarter for it. Made a Chai Latte that was out of this world...truly cosmic.

again...thrift store queen...

the joys of the internet

apparently there is a band called the happy apple...check it out... Happy Apple

and Wiki Happy Apple

I'm really liking their music....

happy apple

a couple years back I found a happy apple at the Goodwill...bought it because it brought back memories of childhood for me (however my mom told me later that she never remembered me having a happy apple when i was young...i distinctly remember having one, though)...eventually my happy apple became not so happy as a result of being thrown by a not so happy person....well...i came across another happy apple today...so now i am a happy apple for finding another happy apple

magic

Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business. - Tom Robbins

hang drum

Hang Drum

thinking of what to say in my letter right now...

oddly entranced....

Space Invaders

Pong

I'm oddly entranced by these for some reason.

The Original Human TETRIS Performance by Guillaume Reymond

The Highwaymen - City Of New Orleans

Oooo...Willie...how I love you.

good morning, america...how are you?

my thoughts this morning while i was sitting eating breakfast turned to the fact that my child loves to eat feta cheese...

which led me to think about how many children in America love eating...American cheese.

And it then led me to contemplate the fact that American cheese is essentially not even cheese. It is processed colored oil, basically. Man, that stuff eeks me out. And come on...the corralation between the country and the thought of this overprocessed, non real thing...and how they share a name....yeah...that sent me into a whole new realm of thought...

good morning, america...how are you?

the lazy apple river

this is taken at one of the most magical places i've found in this area...the magic permanently resides in my soul...

profoundly interesting

i wish i had something profoundly interesting to write about...but at the moment...i'm drawing blanks...

please hold while i collect my thoughts...they seemed to have scattered about all over the floor...

John Butler Trio - Ocean

this gives me chills everytime I hear it...

Shady Grove - Hang Drum at Philly Folk Fest 2007

New Year

The New Year means that I'm going to spend far less time on the computer. Sooooo...that may mean far less posts in my blog.

However, bear with me....I'm hoping that although there may be less posts...the ones that do make it on here will be even more insightful, amazing, etc. than some of the ones I've done in the past.

So.....HAPPY NEW YEAR!