my mind is reeling....

so I have a tendency to remain in contact with a lot of my ex-boyfriends... there are quite a few of them that still mean a lot to me.... I even talk to a couple of them on a regular basis.... my mom and I were talking the other day about this and about the few that haven't contacted me in YEARS.... one of these is my first real boyfriend, my first real love... he and I were really serious when I was 17-19 years old.... the last time I had heard, he was out in California....

well.. I got a phone call from my friend yesterday telling me that she had just talked to him and he's back in the area... my heart started racing... she said she told him about me, and what I'd been up to lately and how I had a son....she then proceeded to give me his mom's phone number...

I struggled with my emotions all day... going back and forth with whether or not I should call... maybe I shouldn't have called and left the past in the past.... but finally at about 9:00 last night, I called the number.... his stepdad answered and knew immediately that it was me.... and then he put Josh on the phone.... my heart started racing again, and we had a brief conversation and he said he would call me again today... I don't know for sure whether or not he will call and I'm still struggling with whether or not I want him to call back... I do want to thank him for being a part of my life because he opened up my eyes to some aspects (music, art, etc.) that I hadn't previously even really thought about....

I don't know what is going to happen in the future, I'm treading very lightly because he and I have history and I'm sure quite a bit of baggage as well... I just know that it was very comforting to hear his soft voice again saying my name....

I just needed to type all my feeling up... and get it all out there.....