the tattoo

it still makes me GRIN big whenever I see it....

when and if....

after a rather deep conversation with my mom, sharing my feelings... and her sharing her feelings ("i can see that you've been searching for a long time... your father and i also came back together after spending time apart.... i pretty much have gathered you're going to end up out there ....if you are happy, i'm happy.")... she started to say when and if you move out there... I stopped her and said... "Mom... you know it isn't a matter of if... it is a matter of when... there isn't any if about it." she looked up at me and smiled. it feels good to have her see what I see... it feels good to know that I'm loved and she supports me following my heart....

sharing...

my mom has been busy sharing Josh and I's story with a lot of people....it really makes my heart swell to know that she understands that I'm following my heart....

she clearly knows that my compass is pointing west... she said yesterday she was online researching Arcata and Eureka, California....

and it is definitely official... I'm madly in love with him... all over again...

speaking of hearts....

he has A LOT of tattoos.... like full sleeves and on his chest, stomach, back and legs.... on his left wrist, where one would commonly take his pulse... in script lettering it reads... Carrie.

and follow my heart I did....

yesterday morning, the phone rang and it was him. He wanted to know if I wanted to come out to his parents' house to do some catching up... I ended up spending the entire day with him and his family... so much has changed, but the part that hasn't changed is our underlaying feelings for one another... the connection was never lost between the two of us... I'm getting all teary eyed just even writing about it... I loved him then and I love him now... and the feeling was definitely mutual coming from him.... just wow. however, he's only in the area temporarily... but I feel as if this connection is only bound to grow stronger in the short time that he's going to be here (two weeks, give or take).... California is his home now, and I understand that completely... we'll see what happens... only time can tell...

my mind is reeling....

so I have a tendency to remain in contact with a lot of my ex-boyfriends... there are quite a few of them that still mean a lot to me.... I even talk to a couple of them on a regular basis.... my mom and I were talking the other day about this and about the few that haven't contacted me in YEARS.... one of these is my first real boyfriend, my first real love... he and I were really serious when I was 17-19 years old.... the last time I had heard, he was out in California....

well.. I got a phone call from my friend yesterday telling me that she had just talked to him and he's back in the area... my heart started racing... she said she told him about me, and what I'd been up to lately and how I had a son....she then proceeded to give me his mom's phone number...

I struggled with my emotions all day... going back and forth with whether or not I should call... maybe I shouldn't have called and left the past in the past.... but finally at about 9:00 last night, I called the number.... his stepdad answered and knew immediately that it was me.... and then he put Josh on the phone.... my heart started racing again, and we had a brief conversation and he said he would call me again today... I don't know for sure whether or not he will call and I'm still struggling with whether or not I want him to call back... I do want to thank him for being a part of my life because he opened up my eyes to some aspects (music, art, etc.) that I hadn't previously even really thought about....

I don't know what is going to happen in the future, I'm treading very lightly because he and I have history and I'm sure quite a bit of baggage as well... I just know that it was very comforting to hear his soft voice again saying my name....

I just needed to type all my feeling up... and get it all out there.....

Native American Healing Prayer

Mother, sing me a song
That will ease my pain,
Mend broken bones,
Bring wholeness again.
Catch my babies
When they are born,
Sing my death song,
Teach me how to mourn.

Show me the Medicine
Of the healing herbs,
The value of spirit,
The way I can serve.

Mother, heal my heart
So that I can see
The gifts of yours
That can live through me.